Why “I Just Need to Accept It” Doesn’t Work (And What to Focus on Instead)

If I had to bet on it, I’d say “I just need to accept it” is probably one of the phrases clients say most in therapy.

I’d also bet that it’s one clients hear most from therapists. It’s a message that is so pervasive we have accepted it (see what I did there?) as absolutely truth. And on the surface, it seems so easy! Although, if it were that easy, wouldn’t you have done it already?

Here’s a bit about my journey with acceptance, and why it hasn’t worked for me…

I’ve spent many hours on my own therapists’ couches healing from toxic relationships, working through the anxiety that comes with being a human in this world, and trying to figure out how to show up in the best way I can for the people that are in my life now. I’ve discussed some of the most impactful moments with multiple therapists as I looked for a variety of approaches to help me heal. Time after time, therapist after therapist, we would eventually end up at the same point. It was some version of “well, you just have to accept things as they are, because you cannot change them.”

Every time I reached that point in therapy, I felt my whole core deflate. My body would sink into the couch a bit more, my shoulders weighed heavier. I blamed myself for not being able to accept things as they were. I wanted to. I was DESPERATE to accept! Part of the reason I sought different therapist’s opinions was to find the one way of accepting I hadn’t discovered yet, hoping that maybe once I found it I could do it then, cross the hurt off my list, and finally be healed.

At some point, in a fortunate combination of the right therapist with the right tools and my own work with clients, I found a different word I liked a lot better.

 Acknowledgement.

The idea of acknowledgement opened up so many new opportunities. I finally had the ability to see the situation and the person and my feelings about them just as they were. With acceptance, I felt the pressure to be okay with the situation or forgive the person or to keep trying to find the right way to make them change. With acknowledgement, I had the permission to feel the emotions I had because of these experiences. All of the sudden, when the switch was made from acceptance to acknowledgement, my feelings became valid. Instead of sinking deeper into the couch, I felt lighter. All of the feelings I felt – anger, sadness, betrayal, confusion, stress, anxiety, overwhelm – became okay. And with that, there was no shame about the fact that I couldn’t “just accept.” I was not wrong for not being able to accept, I just hadn’t had the opportunity to acknowledge how these things made me feel first.

Okay – so what does this mean for you?

The next time something has a negative impact on you, give yourself some space to notice how it feels physically. What are you feeling in your body? Is your chest tight? Are your fists clenched? Does your stomach feel like a bottomless pit? How is your breathing? Check in with your body and give these sensations space to just exist. If you feel a need to take some deep breaths, or walk around the block, or drink a glass of water, do it if you can do so safely. This is your body telling you what it needs to work through this.

Then, check in with how it feels emotionally. Did it bring up sadness? Relief? Shame? Is it so overwhelming that you can’t name it? That’s okay too. Name the fact that it cannot be named. If you feel the need to cry, or take a nap, or talk to someone you trust, do it. Again, this is your body helping you work through the feelings because you have given yourself space to acknowledge them.

Does this feeling bring up a color, an image, or a memory? Can you let yourself observe it, kind of like watching a movie or a piece of art? You don’t have to “do” anything with it. As weird as it sounds, not trying to fix it is likely the thing that will help it feel better.

The more you can create space to acknowledge these physical sensations and emotions, the less power they can hold over you, and the quicker you can get to healing in a way that actually feels good for you. When you can remove the pressure to accept and be okay with things, you have the opportunity to give yourself the support you deserve.

And, if you feel like you need support from a therapist, I’m here for that. Set up a free phone consultation to learn more.