Factors to Consider Before Coming Out
Coming out as LGBTQIA+ is a process, and your process is as individual to you as your identity is. This can be an exciting, liberating, intimidating, or anxious time, or maybe a mixture of all of the above! Maybe you have already come out to a select few in your life and you are planning to come out to more, or maybe this is the first time you are considering having this conversation.
While there is no right way to come out as LGBTQIA+, the questions below may help you consider how to resource yourself before sharing your story. This is not an exhaustive list, and it will not completely apply to your specific experiences. Ideally, none of the following factors are barriers for you. This list is not intended to create barriers, but instead to help you formulate a plan to increase the chances of this conversation going the best that it can. You might not always know exactly what you want to say, and might not know what will happen next, but you are allowed to figure it out as you go.
A quick reminder before we get in to the details: you are valid if you are out, and you are valid if you are not. You are valid if you are out with some people but not others, or in some spaces but not all of them. You are valid if your identity is different today than it was yesterday. You are valid if you connect with various identities or none at all. You are valid in and out of relationships. You are valid, and I hope you embrace you exactly as you are.
Timing
Is the time you are considering a good time to come out? Is there a better or even a best time? When could you come out that would allow you to garner the most acceptance and support from the person/people you are coming out to? Does the time you are considering coming out feel best to you? Do you have time to check in with yourself before, during, and after coming out? Are there upcoming windows of time that could offer a little more space like a break from school, a therapy session, or some time away from home?
You want to feel safe when you share this part of yourself. You want to feel like you can breathe afterward, not spiral into panic or regret. Think about what is happening in your life right now. Are you already under a lot of stress? Are there other big things taking up your energy like school, work, family stuff, and/or mental health?
If you are already overwhelmed, it is okay to wait. Waiting does not mean you are hiding. It means you are protecting your emotional capacity. At the same time, you might notice that avoiding it altogether is starting to take a toll. There is no perfect moment, but there might be a moment that feels more grounded than others.
Format
How do you want to come out? Are there ways that feel safer with different people, such as writing a letter, sending a text, over a phone call, or an in-person conversation? You can choose a format that lets you say what you really want to say and limit the chances of anxiety getting in the way.
What location feels best and most comfortable for you to come out if you are having an in-person conversation? If you do choose to talk in person, think about the environment. Where will you feel safest? Where can you step away if you need to? A family gathering or stressful event probably is not the right setting. You want the space to be calm, quiet, and private so you can focus on being real, not just managing everyone else’s reactions.
Level of Support
Do you already have some support (such as family, friends, or an online community)? Would your social supports be available before, during, and after these other coming out conversations? If so, what support is available to you from them (financial, shelter, moral support etc.)? Who can be with you during this conversation? If you do not have support, are there smaller steps that you can take to put that in place before coming out? What resources do you have that you could lean on to help you come out to your person/people? What resources do you have that you can utilize after sharing this information with them? Can you set up a plan with these resources in order to make sure they’re available?
If you do not have much support right now, your first step might be to build some. That could look like joining a queer-affirming space, finding a therapist, connecting with online groups, or even following creators who reflect parts of your identity. Even small things can help you feel less alone. You are not being dramatic. You are being thoughtful.
Age and Autonomy
How might your age change the impact of this conversation? Is there anything indicating that it would be necessary to your safety and wellbeing to wait until you are older to come out?
This part might feel different depending on your age and life circumstances. If you are still living at home or financially dependent on others, you might not have full control over your environment. That does not mean you cannot come out; it just means you need to think through safety and timing a little more carefully.
If you are older and more independent, you might have more freedom, but also more complex relationships. Maybe you are in a long-term relationship. Maybe you are a parent. Maybe your career or community depends on people seeing you a certain way. That does not make coming out less important. It just adds more detail to consider.
Culture
How does your culture view your identities? If coming out to family, would your family's culture be supportive? If so, are there ways to call on those cultural beliefs during this conversation to garner more support?
Some communities are supportive. Some are not. Many are a mix of both: deeply rooted in beautiful traditions and also shaped by beliefs that do not leave much room for queerness.
Think about the messages you grew up with. What have you internalized? How does your family or community talk about queerness, gender, or identity? Are there spiritual or religious beliefs in the mix?
You are allowed to honor your culture and honor your identity. You do not have to choose between them. Your story might be more complex, but it is still valid, and so are you.
Impacts to Safety/Security
What is the worst-case scenario if the conversation goes poorly? Is the benefit of coming out worth more than the potential risk? What shelter or a safe place can you go to if this conversation does not go well? Are you financially tied to or dependent on this person/people? Are you at a place in your life where you could take care of and support yourself if this person/people are not accepting? Are your basic needs (food, water, shelter, finances, employment, transportation) provided for independent of the person or people you are coming out to? If not, what ways can you ensure that independence before coming out? What laws and rules are in place to protect you?
Coming out is not just an emotional decision. It can impact your safety, your finances, your housing, or your job. It is okay to think through worst-case scenarios so you can protect yourself. These are real questions, not signs that you are being overly cautious. You are allowed (and encouraged!) to take your safety seriously.
Desired Outcome
What do you want to get out of this conversation? Are there things within your control that can help you get closer to that desired outcome? If not, how can you create space to grieve and make peace with the possibility of never reaching that desired outcome?
You are allowed to want whatever you want. But it also helps to remember that you may not get the exact reaction you are hoping for, at least not right away. Some people need time. Some people will not respond the way you hoped. And some might not ever meet you where you are.
If that happens, how will you take care of yourself? Who will you lean on? What do you need to grieve, and what do you want to protect?
Additional Questions
What would it feel like to be fully seen, not just tolerated, but understood? Are you coming out because you want to, or because you feel like you should? If no one else had an opinion, what would you do? What would change in your life if you could be more transparent about who you are?
There are many different layers to this conversation that vary from person to person. Keep in mind that no matter who you plan to come out to, in what way, in what timing, or if at all, you are still worthy as a person and your identities are still valid! Coming out is not about earning approval. It is about giving yourself permission to live fully, honestly, and in alignment with who you are.
If you are wanting more individual support and a place to process through your feelings and experiences, set up social supports, or access resources, you are invited to reach out for a free phone consultation. You do not have to go through this process alone!