“I Just Need to Accept It”—But What If You Can’t?
“My in-laws make me so f*cking angry! My husband says if we want to stay married I just have to accept that they are the way they are and there is nothing I can do about it.”
“I cannot believe I lost my dream job. I am depressed, I am sad, and I am scared I will never find another one. But I guess I just have to accept that it is over now and move on.”
“My boss keeps piling stressful task after stressful task on my desk. I feel like I am drowning and there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to get over it or I will never get this work done.”
Do any of those statements sound like you?
One of the most common phrases clients say in therapy is, “I just need to accept it.” It often shows up when they are trying to work through something painful like grief, conflict, regret, overwhelm, disappointment, or any uncomfortable emotion. While this sentiment is clearly rooted in a desire to feel better and move forward, it is usually said with a sense of agitation or blame towards oneself, as if we are getting in our own way of healing and moving on.
This phrase is something many clients repeat, often after hearing it from books, podcasts, TV shows, family members, or well-meaning friends. I have even said it in my own therapy journey! It has been absorbed into our culture as an emotional finish line: something that, if we all could just reach it, would bring peace.
But what I see over and over again in my work with high-achieving, anxious women and couples is that when we try to force acceptance before we are ready (instead of feeling and communicating these feelings) it does not bring peace. Instead, it brings pressure, shame, self-blame, and usually a heightened sense of whichever feeling we were trying to get over in the first place. We often vocalize, “Why can’t I just accept this and move on?” as if we are failing at healing. This creates a cycle of disappointment, shame, and disconnection with our emotions.
Of course, if acceptance was something that we could could simply will ourselves into, we all would have done it already! However, if you are reading this, you can probably relate. You are probably someone who is used to (and successful at) pushing through. You might be used to over functioning in every area of life. If acceptance were a matter of effort you would have nailed it already.
What I have learned is that what we are often looking for is not acceptance. It is acknowledgment. A softer, more compassionate starting point that does not require us to be fine and dandy with something that still hurts.
When Acceptance Feels Like a Dead End
How do I know acceptance does not work until acknowledgement has happened? I have spent many hours on my own therapists’ couches healing from toxic relationships, working through the anxiety that comes with being a perfectionistic and overachieving human in this world, and trying to figure out how to show up in the best way I can for the people that are in my life now. I have discussed some of the most impactful moments in therapy as I tried a variety of approaches to help me heal.
But no matter how hard I tried to accept certain things, no matter what therapy modality I was using at the time, I still could not find the secret to “just accepting” what had happened and how I felt about it. So many therapists have told me, lovingly and with good intention, “You cannot change it. You just have to accept it.”
Every time I got to that part of therapy, I felt this tightness in my chest. Like my body was quietly saying, “Nope. Not yet. That is not it.” But instead of listening to my body, I assumed something was wrong with me. Maybe I was not strong enough. Maybe I was not trying hard enough. Maybe I just did not know how to “do” acceptance. I blamed myself for not being able to accept things as they were. I wanted to. I was DESPERATE to accept! Part of the reason I sought different therapist’s opinions was to find the one way of accepting I had yet to discover, hoping that maybe once I found it I could do it then, cross the hurt off my list, and finally be healed. (Sound familiar?)
So I continued the cycle. I tried to think my way through feelings, justify why things happened, and use the proof of the professionals telling me I needed to accept it as an indication that these events were, in fact, acceptable.
Spoiler alert: It did not work.
The Shift That Changed Everything: From Acceptance to Acknowledgment
The moment I allowed myself to acknowledge what I was feeling instead of skipping over it, or trying to reframe it, or looking for the next quick fix, something changed. When I just let it exist, I had the permission to feel the emotions I had because of these experiences. When the switch was made from acceptance to acknowledgement, my feelings became valid. Anger, sadness, betrayal, confusion, stress, anxiety, overwhelm all became okay to feel. With that, there was no shame about the fact that I could not “just accept.” I was not wrong for not being able to accept, I just hadn’t had the opportunity to acknowledge how these things made me feel first.
And for those of us with anxiety and perfectionism, that is radical. We spend so much of our lives trying to be okay. Trying to keep it together. Trying to rationalize, solve, or minimize. But acknowledgment does not ask you to do any of that. Instead, it just gives you space to feel. As scary as that is, it is also the key to healing.
Why Feeling Emotions Feels So Uncomfortable
If you grew up learning that big emotions were too much, or that you had to be the “easy one,” the “strong one,” or the one who did not rock the boat, it makes total sense that feelings now feel like a threat.
Anxiety tries to protect you from that threat by helping you avoid emotional risk at all costs.
Of course your nervous system goes into overdrive the second you start to feel any emotions that is not calm or cheerful. Perfectionism kicks in with stories like:
“You are being dramatic.”
“This is not a big deal.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“You should be over this by now.”
All of that internal noise makes acknowledgment feel unsafe. But here is the hard truth: when we try to compartmentalize or bypass our emotions, we do not actually avoid them, we just store them. And over time, that stored emotion builds up in the body and comes out sideways (hello, insomnia, headaches, irritability, burnout, conflict, illness, and panic spirals).
Acknowledging vs. Accepting: What is the Difference?
Think of it this way:
Acceptance says: “This is fine.”
Acknowledgment says: “This is real.”
Sometimes you never get to full-on acceptance. That is okay. Some things in life are not meant to be wrapped up in a bow. But when you acknowledge how deeply something has hurt you, disappointed you, scared you (you get the drill by now) you allow the truth of your experience to matter.
How to Practice Acknowledgment (Even If It is Uncomfortable)
1. Start with the body.
Before you even try to name the emotion, check in with your physical self:
Is your jaw tight?
Are your shoulders scrunched?
Is your stomach clenched or hollow?
Are you holding your breath?
Do you feel hot? Cold? Neutral?
Can you feel your whole body (your head, your toes, and everything in between) or just parts of it?
At this point you do not have to change anything. Just notice. Let yourself physically feel where the emotion lives in your body. This is your body waving a little flag saying:
“Hey, something is happening here.”
If you need to pause and breathe, go for a walk, cry, or drink water, listen to that. Those are not “cop-outs.” This is your body helping you work through the feelings because you have given yourself space to acknowledge them.
2. Name what you can, or name that you can’t.
If you can identify any emotions, name them. You can say it out loud, internally, or write it down somewhere. While it is not required to connect emotions with the physical sensations, this can be another step to guide your emotional processing. For instance, if you identified that you feel angry, does that connect to the tightness in your jaw? If you feel cold in your chest, does that connect with feeling sad?
If you can’t, that is okay. You can acknowledge that you feel something, but you do not know what it is yet.
3. Resist the urge to fix.
This is the hard part, especially for perfectionists who need resolution. As weird as it sounds, not trying to fix it is likely the thing that will help it feel better. Sometimes just letting yourself sit with what is there without judgment or agenda is the very thing that creates space for healing. This can be a good time to remind yourself that you do not have to solve anything, you just have to acknowledge its existence.
4. Take lots of breaks and allow yourself to rest.
There is no gold medal for feeling the most, so remember to take breaks and give yourself time to connect with things that feel good. Emotionally processing can be hard, it can be exhausting, and it can be time consuming. That is not meant to turn you away from it, but instead to remind yourself that breaks are paramount in this work. Getting enough sleep, drinking water and eating foods that nourish your body, and connecting with loved ones can help you in this process.
Feeling Stuck in the Process? This is Where Therapy Can Help
You do not have to figure this out on your own. In fact, trying to “self-help” your way through overwhelming emotions can often leave you feeling more isolated and stuck. A therapist can help you slow down, tune into your body, make sense of your emotional responses, and practice acknowledgment in a safe, supportive space.
If that kind of support sounds like something you are ready for, reach out to schedule a free consultation. We can talk more about what that support could look like for you and how I can help.
Until then, remind yourself: “I do not have to accept it. I just have to feel it.”